To Blame is Lame
Friends!
I hope you had some opportunity to practice living in the present this past week. If you discovered any surprising tools, micro habits, or ideas that helped, please share them.
Some people have asked me to record these musings so that they could listen to them while taking walks. I wonder if there are others out there who feel the same. If there are, please fill out the little survey below. Just trying to learn how to make this more useful to all of you. It takes 30 seconds.
This week, I am thinking about our media landscape and how it is littered with an exhausting degree of blame. It's yet another example of the cultural climate change we find ourselves in. It’s an unfortunate phenomenon best referred to as a form of "meanhouse" gas. Greenhouse gases trap heat and warm our planet. Meanhouse gases is my way of putting a name to the toxicity that has come to represent almost all parts of our civic dialogue. It traps our humanity into a culture of division and despair.
I was mentored early in my life that there are really only three types of conversations you can have. You can talk about things, people, or ideas. In fact, as I quoted Eleanor Roosevelt last week, she is famed for also saying this (though, attribution is typically unclear with timeless truths!).
Great Minds Discuss Ideas;
Average Minds Discuss Events;
Small Minds Discuss People
Blame is, perhaps, one of the worst symptoms of our culture of division. It seems so childish, sandboxy, and an indictment of any form of maturity or civility. Doesn't it? It's also ultimately counter-productive. It creates an illusion that we lack agency and accountability for whatever problems we are concerned about.
Of course, there are situations where the attribution of errors can be an important aspect of changing rules, systems, and processes for the better. But it should be more about the process than people. I fear we currently live in a "gotcha" culture where the entire game is to point at who is to blame rather than what is to improve. It's gotten way too personal.
I often remind people that when pointing a finger, three fingers point right back at them. Whatever we are concerned about, the most effective solution must start with us, first and foremost.
Blaming gets us nowhere. Blaming others seems attractive because it makes people feel better about their own missteps. Placing blame on others is a distancing maneuver. It creates a false hierarchy with ourselves at the top and others beneath us. Nothing could be more disingenuous and wrong. It's exactly the opposite. Embracing our concerns and involving ourselves, not others, in solutions is the ONLY path to actually start addressing the root of the very problems that concern us.
Much of our legal system is occupied with extracting monetary value as part of the blame game. It's become really big business and we have introduced incredible friction in the everyday exchange between people. How many decisions are made out of fear of legal retribution rather than logic and reason? While this red-tape was created to supposedly protect us, it has the exact opposite effect. It creates layers of bureaucracy between common sense and common good. Look no further than to how the billions allocated for infrastructure will get stuck for years before important projects actually will hit the ground. I hope I am wrong, but sadly, most likely won't be.
I can go on. But will stop here. Let's just stop the blame. Whenever we feel something is wrong, give it a moment of pause. Let's look in the mirror for solutions – that's actually the only place we will find them. Let's instead use blame as a red flag and an indication that we may need to open our minds and listen to something that might be slightly uncomfortable. Blame, I fear, has become shorthand for our own insecurities. Wow. There, I said it.
I will end with this beautiful quote by Brené Brown. Can't say it any better.
“Blame is simply the discharging of discomfort and pain. It has an inverse relationship with accountability. Accountability, by definition is vulnerability. Blaming is corrosive in relationships. It’s simply a way we discharge anger. We spend our energy figuring out whose fault it is. It’s one of the reasons we miss opportunities for empathy because when something happens instead of listening to the story, we’re quickly making connections in our mind to figure out whose fault it was. It gives us a sense of control.”
Here are a few links and posts relevant to the notion of blame.
As indicated above, here is a 3 question quiz. I'd appreciate it if you fill it out. Less than 30 seconds. Promise. You can also scan the QR code below using your camera on your phone if that’s easier. Wow. Technology is good!
In last week's post, the Will Smith video was not the right one. I am sorry. Here is a better link. It's worth the full 2 minutes.
This is a great short video with Brené Brown on blaming.
My good friend Brian Bacon wrote a great post on LN on blame recently.
Bret Stephens on ending the blame game with COVID.
I found Joe Lonsdale's article on why he is involved in creating a new university in Austin to be well-written.
As I have indicated on these pages many times, I am a big fan of Philip K Howard and his work at Common Good. Lots of good articles and ways to support his important work towards greater accountability
And in the wake of elevated fears of new COVID strains, I found this article hopeful and more optimistic. I generally think David Leonhardt writes in a well-balanced way on COVID.
Thank you. Let's stop looking for solutions outside of ourselves.
Blame is indeed lame.
Have a great week!
