The Contradictions of Control
Friends!
I do hope you all had a great Thanksgiving week. Whether you recognize and celebrate Thanksgiving or not, practicing gratitude is among the healthiest habits we can commit to. So, in that spirit, I wish we all engaged in some form of thanks-giving every day. We would be better off for it – all of us.
Since my last newsletter, I’ve had quite the special time abroad as I was able to visit my father together with my son. Perhaps at some future post, I should dive into the deep, beautiful, powerful, inexplicable, and almost mythological qualities of lineage, genes, intergenerational masculinity, and the myriads of reflections we can have around roots, wings, and what and who shaped us into the beings we are right now. It's certainly a target-rich territory for reflection, but I can only say for now that I am blessed beyond words for these two men that play such monumental roles in my life. It was a week of gratitude, love, meaningful exchange, and, of course, fantastic food.
That leads me back to another thread that keeps running through these Sunday musings almost like that song you cannot shake – the notion of control. I referenced the Serenity Prayer last week and a similar sentiment with a different angle can be found in this wonderful quote, often attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson, that for so long has reverberated in my soul.
“What lies behind us, and what lies before us are but tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”
Most humans, certainly me included, spend far too much time being afraid (worried, angry, frustrated, anxious, apprehensive, concerned, etc.) OR being hopeful (dreaming, anticipating, planning, expecting, preparing, etc.). Almost our entire lives are spent in one of these two postures. We travel between them daily and the distance from one to the other can be instant and painful.
I think the silver lining of the pandemic might turn out to be that we all became a little more flexible. Many of us had to face entirely new routines and circumstances and we also had to adjust our expectations often and accordingly. We also spent more time in solitude surrounded by fewer things, experiences, and people. Hopefully, during this unusual time, we learned how to reduce the distance between hope and fear and cherish what we have. After all, the only way to live is to live in the now and it’s important to not only accept but appreciate exactly what is being presented to us every moment.
I was moved and inspired this week by an interview by Pico Iyer and Elizabeth Gilbert (see below). I discovered both of them at the TED conference many years ago and have since been an avid follower. I am continuously inspired by both their work and their example. In this conversation, Elizabeth reintroduced me to a Tao Te Ching notion: “Hope is as hollow as fear.” It made me think. But what does it mean?
To me, it indicates that neither is reality. They both involve imagining a future that does not currently exist - whether good or bad. Or, as Elizabeth so powerfully says, the reason why they are hollow is that they “both orient you towards imagining a future and that is a fantasy. Fantasizing about an apocalyptic future is just as much of a fantasy as fantasizing about an utopic future. You are still not here in the present moment because the realist reality is that you cannot know. You cannot know what is coming.”
As we know, the likelihood of the future turning out as how you imagine it is so infinitesimally small. If you worry too much about the future, you’re spending your time concerning yourself with things that won’t happen. Every second you waste is a second you’ve spent not being happy, since worry is like an emotional tax. And if you envision many things in the future that might not happen, you will often be disappointed, which is another form of emotional drain. And what’s worse, you might waste your time being happy in the present. I think we all know the feeling of wishing desperately for something in our lives to change, only to look back and wish we had appreciated what we had before.
This is NOT to say that having a vision or dreaming is all bad. It’s not. Sometimes we have to envision how we want things to be in order to lay out the strategy we need to get there. But looking forward can be a tempting distraction from our current circumstances. And as far as balance in our Western culture goes, I think we all can do a lot better living more in the present. Otherwise, we find ourselves in a state of perpetual discontent. Which, of course, brings me to the famous quote often attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt.
“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift…that’s why they call it the present.”
I will leave you with another Liz Gilbert pearl of wisdom as I am recommitting myself to living more in the present. Liz has a rule against “horizontal thinking”. Often times when we are lying down, we might have all sorts of thoughts running through our minds. She has learned to not spend too much time there – literally. She’s learned to stand up, take a walk, make a meal, write something down – anything. The act of “doing” often contextualizes our thoughts. It’s almost as if by participating in some physical movement that our worried brains don’t have the opportunity to intervene in the same way they can in stillness. Doing helps us unpack our thoughts and convert them into smaller actions. That, in turn, can help make our thoughts more approachable and thereby, perhaps, "practicalizes" thinking by way of doing. In summary, as we close the Thanksgiving weekend let's bring with us 3 key thoughts.
1. Be grateful. There is plenty to appreciate.
2. Be here now. In the present moment.
3. Act yourself into the being you want to be. Don't think yourself there.
Here are two powerful things for you to listen to:
· The Pico Iyer and Liz Gilbert conversation at The Future of Hope @ OnBeing
· This incredible short and powerful talk by Will Smith on forgiveness and growth. Please listen!
Have a great week of presence! ´´
