Reframing Regret

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Reframing Regret

Thank you to so many who reached out and shared stories about your own anxiety and for showing both gratitude and vulnerability. Having open and honest conversations about things that matter is the core ingredient in elevating the quality of our conversations, and it was heartwarming to hear from so many of you. The state of not knowing is at times both limiting AND liberating. And we also learned from the Stoics that most of what we worry about never happens.

This week, I am reflecting on the topic of regret. And I have a little bit of a story for how I got there.

I have been both an avid reader and admirer of Dan Pink for quite some time. Dan is an author but foremost a teacher. At least, that is how I think of him. I have read all his books. They are all thought-provoking and interesting. And he is a linguist with a real talent for telling stories. I was even honored to be quoted in one of them around why PURPOSE is a key element in motivation (in his book, Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us).

Every few years, Dan "attacks" a new idea, a new concept, or something that intrigues him. He spends years researching that subject, and he always comes up with really inspiring ways of looking at something in new ways. He is a real reframer. Or dare I say ELEVATOR. And it is very useful. And many organizations have hired Dan to help them understand old realities in new ways.

When I heard about his latest "topic" and that he was getting ready to publish a new book, I wasn't sure how to process his latest thinking. His new book was all about regret.

I think I have lived my life more in tune with the philosophy of Edith Piaf when she sings, "Je ne regrette rien" (I don't regret anything). I honestly don't think I regret much. I have often been asked questions such as: What would you tell your 25-year-old self? What would you do differently if you could do it all over again? What are the biggest mistakes you have made?

I have struggled with answering these questions. I am generally more interested in looking forward than looking back and I am typically more inspired by my dreams than by my memory. And therefore, I wasn't really looking forward to Dan's latest book when it came out recently. I simply didn't know how the concept of regret would be relevant to my own way of looking at life. But I was wrong. Again!

I think regret is another one of these important ideas that have suffered from the ills of binary thinking. We are either too ignorant or too arrogant. We ignore what we can learn from regret simply because we are unaware, tone-deaf, or not sufficiently in tune with our surrounding context, such that we don't see the negative impacts we might have. Or, we judge ourselves so hard after missteps that there is no forgiveness or no redemption. Neither option is wise, and since we leave no space in between, we miss the opportunity to grow.

What Dan's latest work (and his conversation with Brené Brown, particularly) helped me see is that it is in our relationship with the concept of regret where we have most to learn. So, in a paradoxical way, I regret not having more regrets. And I will work on that starting now.

What Dan's research has shown is that regret is an extremely valuable indicator of what you want more or less of in your life. It’s a litmus test of sorts. There is, for example, far more evidence of regrets from inaction rather than from action. Meaning, more people regret NOT doing things than doing things.

We obviously don't want anyone to walk on this earth filled with regret. But we also don't want humans to be disinterested in mid-course corrections or valuable feedback. Regret does not have to be synonymous with shame. Rather, it should be a tool for reflection. Regret is like that little voice in your head that we could pay more attention to. Someone asking difficult questions and inviting us to consider alternative views. And perhaps after making a decision or putting a plan into action, it can help make sure the consequences for people involved were as we intended. And if not, be open and willing to make necessary adjustments.

In the conversation in question, Dan and Brené Brown talked about RECLAIMING REGRET. As in, taking it back into more active consideration, shifting it from something negative into something positive. Personally, I am not sure about the verb “reclaiming,” because I am uncertain as to the type of relationship I ever had with the word, to begin with. But REFRAMING REGRET sits better with me. Because of Dan's work, I will now think of regret differently. It’s almost like being reactive or proactive. By doing prehab instead of rehab, perhaps also we can introduce the concept of PREGRET (PRE-REGRET) into our lives and decision-making, which I would define as a more open-minded, vulnerable, and empathetic awareness of how our actions might negatively affect others.

When reflecting a bit more on my top regrets, I can honestly say that I don't regret most decisions I have made. Nor do I regret decisions I didn't make. Yes, I should have bought more TESLA, AMAZON, and APPLE stock early, since I was a very early fan of those companies. Go figure as to why I didn't. And in my work life, I have made plenty of regrettable decisions and also missed many opportunities simply because I didn't see or believe in what others did. But the good ones have certainly overcompensated for the bad ones and both the lessons learned and relationships gained from all experiences are things I wouldn't want to be without.

On a more personal level, I do regret most times I have lost my temper and displayed anger. I am sorry to those people that have been at the receiving end. Not letting what other people say or do affect me emotionally is still important work in progress for me. So to those who might remember any such moments, I am truly sorry.

I also regret not spending enough time with people who are no longer here. Particularly, my sister, Erica, who left us way too soon. Since we never know when the time may come, the only lesson is to reach out more often to people who mean a lot to us.

Thank you to Dan for another great book with another important lesson. I didn't expect to find regrets, but in a way, I did.

Here are some links this week.

• Here is a link to the podcast with Dan Pink and Brené Brown (Thank you to my daughter, Alex, for the tip!)

• Here is Dan's website with his work and books. Sign up for his great PINKCAST.

• Here is Dan's TED talk from 2009 on Motivation which I always loved (note he starts with a regret!)

• Lastly, this is a highly relevant article relative to our current emotional landscape. Mark Manson wrote a brilliant piece called The Paradox of Progress which is an excerpt from his book Everything is F*cked: A book about Hope. I so much resonated with this sense of emotional contradiction juxtaposed between so much progress and opportunity on the one hand and so many challenges on the other.

So, there we are. Reframing regret. And in the title of his book on regret, it says: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward. I will for sure think more about this going forward and be less intimidated by calling out the regrets I will surely have. Like anything worthwhile, it's a habit that will take some practice, so I am heading to the awareness gym!

Have a great week.