The Ultimate Inconvenient Truth
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The Ultimate Inconvenient Truth
Ok. This week, I am bringing up something really unpopular (and uncomfortable.) It’s something we spend far too little time planning for, thinking about, and training for, despite the fact that it happens to every single human being, ever. Dying.
Of course, it's understandable. I mean there are so many brighter topics to spend our living hours with than the end of it all. For starters, it's fraught with mystery, uncertainty, and fear. None of us know for sure when it will happen, how it will happen, and what, if anything, will happen once it has happened. All that uncertainty leads most of us to suppress thoughts around it and distract some of our curiosity in favor of more pleasant topics.
But, my point here is to consider what we might be missing in our emotional (and logistical) negligence.
Given the density of this topic, today I will try to be short-ish. Consider this more of a teaser. Or, a cliffhanger, if you will. I promise I will return to the topic of "living in reverse," as I am actually contemplating writing a whole book about it. That's how fascinated I am about the hidden benefits of living our lives with the ultimate end in mind.
So, where to start? Let's first consider all other things we are doing in our lives relative to objectives and missions. When we build a house or go on a trip, we certainly have very clear ideas of where we'd like to end up. Few construction projects lack drawings or design objectives. Few trips are made without booking a ticket or reserving a hotel.
As you have heard me say many times in this newsletter, I believe a significant part of the problems we face relative to our public discourse is that we have lost the long term in favor of the short term. I refer to this as: "We are living in a short-term world with long-term problems."
One of my mentors around the topic of personal responsibility, ethics, and the ultimate task of creating a life well-lived, is Charles Handy. His books are fantastic if you haven't read them. This quote is etched deeply into my soul:
“Where there is no vision, there you find short-termism, for then there is no reason to compromise today for an unknown tomorrow.”
I am convinced this is true for our politics. We argue and quibble and tear each other apart for details on how to get to…where, exactly? As I wrote about recently, I am certain that we are much more in agreement on the destination than we are on the means of travel. But we can't agree on means of travel until we first agree on a destination.
Consider what the Cheshire cat in Alice in Wonderland said to Alice when Alice asked the cat which road to take. The Cat then asked Alice:
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to".
Alice responded by saying she doesn’t know where she is going. The Cat then said:
“Then it doesn't much matter which way you go"
It's a famous fable. And it is true. Knowing where we are going is important when deciding which choice to make. And we all make choices daily. Another reminder of this is Peter Senge’s great quote:
“While the world has stood and watched for the past forty years, the two mightiest political powers have engaged in a race to see who could get fastest to a place where no one wanted to go.”
I think you get the picture. We are better off as humans when we first agree on where and how we want things to end. THEN, and only THEN, can we debate the details of how best to get there.
So, why is this not true for our own lives? And our own mortality?
Well, I would argue it is. It's just that none of us, including the field of medicine, are trained to think this way. We all regard dying as the ultimate failure. Something that, at all costs, should be avoided. But yet, ignoring something we know will happen must introduce opportunity costs that are excluded when we make decisions while alive. And like all “hidden costs,” they always show up later.
I am gently trying to make the case that the benefits would be enormous if we somehow overcame our discomfort, fear, and natural inclination to suppress any thoughts of our own demise. For today, I will just mention 3 huge benefits. There are many others.
First, only by embracing the end can we truly perfect the beginning. I know that is a tough thought. But it is true. Here’s one example. If you are clear about what you want people to say about you when you are gone, who'd you like to be at your side during the end, and what you want to leave behind, you will sharpen your focus on making sure you will say “no” to things that won't lead you there? And say “yes” to the things that will? This is the great paradox. By clarifying the end, it will help us glorify the present!
Second, we all prefer to know that the memory of our own lives will be a blessing to those around us. At least, most sane people would. Some people can try to convince themselves they don't care about anything after they are gone, but I don't believe them. It's like taking drugs to ignore that uncomfortable feeling called consciousness. It's not a good strategy for living. And it often leads to the kind of iconoclastic, curmudgeon image we often associate with grumpy old men!
Third. Grief can lend itself to conflict. So often, we witness families losing a loved one, and because of a lack of transparency and communication before death, we see conflict and anger arise in its wake. I would consider it to be a massive failure and disappointment in my own life to know (I guess more cosmically since I wouldn't hear it!) that after I die people who had been loving each other and living peacefully and joyfully together would use my death to change course and lean into less attractive human behaviors such as envy, jealousy, anger, and unkindness. By being clear about the end while we live, we offer to our loved ones the greatest gift our lives could bequeath them. Peace, love, and blessed memory.
There is a lot of fodder here to dig into. I will list a few of my favorites below for those that are interested. If you were to only choose two, the book mentioned first and the podcast with Sam Harris are both incredible. Highly recommend them for any living person!
BJ Miller and Shoshana Berger have written a great book called A Beginners Guide to the End. There are lots of books around the concept of "what to expect when you are expecting", but fewer on what to think and do on the other side of the life spectrum. Lots of great tools in there. BJ Miller also had a powerful TED talk a few years before writing this book.
Sam Harris interviewed both of them on this podcast. Really awesome interview for those who prefer to listen. It's like the conversational audiobook version of their book!
This book was my entry into this entire way of thinking. Thank you, Bill Spear. I mentioned him when I wrote last about death and what it means to living.
Atul Gawande, who is a doctor and writes so beautifully and powerfully, has dedicated his latest book to our own mortality. It's really a fantastic book: Being Mortal.
Lastly, Rabbi Steve Leder has written books about the concept of an Ethical Will. So has my friend Eric who talks about it powerfully here. The process of "writing" your ethical will and articulating what values you want to be remembered and loved for is more important than our stuff. Watch this short interview with Steve Leder on it, and I think it will trigger some good thoughts. (Thank you to my daughter Rebecca for reminding me of his work!)
Sorry to perhaps be such a downer. I get that this is not a "fun" or particularly uplifting topic. But it's an onion worth peeling. Because beyond layers of tears and fears lie the superpowers of our own humanity. Uncovering our David in that block of emotional marble, obfuscated by rigid defensiveness and deep-seated anxiety, we can connect with our truest selves and unleash a level of conviction and zest for life that we have never felt before.
More to come. Here's to living fully in reverse!
Ps. Some 30 years ago I worked with a coach to “imagine’ my own end of life. We wrote tombstones, planned our own funerals etc. It was intense and very valuable. During that process I discovered these lines by Ralph Waldo Emerson and “adopted” this as my own vision for my life. This is like a north star for what I would wish my life to be about. Obviously, as any human, I fail often to live up to this but the point of this post is to celebrate the value of having a north start. It helps knowing where you are pointing yourselves towards. And since I am sharing PLEASE let me know each time you feel I am not even close!
“To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition, to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived..”