The Tensions of Our Intentions
Dear Changemakers!
Based on feedback from last week's blog, BE THE CHANGE, I was both inspired and excited that so many of you have reached similar conclusions. The more we collectively can look inwards for the change we seek in the world, the happier I believe we all will be.
This week led me, serendipitously, down a similar yet different path. As I write this, I find myself inspired by our second daughter, Alexandra, who is so passionate about the topic of human performance, both professionally and personally. She sent a podcast that unpacked the idea of "quitting" and how we may want to reconsider what that really is about. I was as excited as she was about the topic. I am sharing that podcast below.
I am beyond blessed to have a family who all share my passion for trying to improve the game of life. Even better, we all find joy in the process. Perhaps it's in their genes. Perhaps it's the price you pay for immigrating to a new country (constantly feeling you have to prove yourselves?). Perhaps it is because they are all accomplished athletes who were deeply steeped in years of competition. Perhaps it's just luck or fate. Who knows? Whatever the reason, I think we all feel blessed to be connected by this broad interest in evolving, learning, and living better lives. I love it.
The podcast itself revolved around quitting. And it triggered many reflections in me as I listened to the various arguments around it.
Obviously, quitting is mostly associated with giving up, with losing. I think many of us have grown up with the notion that quitting isn’t an option. It doesn’t exist. We just work through the pain, and ultimately, we get to the gain. In many situations in life, I do generally agree with that mindset. Therefore, it is not without some trepidation that I declare that I have sometimes found the limitation of that thinking. One of my closest mentors reminded me years ago that climbing up a steep, long, and challenging wall is really great, as long as you are climbing up the right wall!!
But there are other important dimensions worth reflecting on, as well. We can't live life without contending with tensions between our different desires. I can't eat everything I see AND have the mobility, flexibility, and life span I also desire. I can't engage with all the friends I want to all the time without sacrificing time with my family or devoting time to important work projects. I can't spend more money than I make, but I also don't want to spend all my time making money! I can go on and on. We make tradeoff choices every day, whether we like it or not. We are all trying our best to balance our many different priorities and find some harmony in the midst of the inherent tensions between them.
Here is a tradeoff from today. My wonderful daughter-in-law Hannah is turning 30 today. Happy Birthday, Hannah. I wanted to be there yesterday to honor and celebrate her. But I had previously committed to a gig with my band (Hugh Too....please like!). I love Hannah. I love playing music. This very day produced a sort of irreconcilable conflict. I know Hannah understands but it still produced some tension.
In order to help us, I think we might benefit from changing or replacing some of our vocabulary. As we know, binary choices presented as such are not that helpful. Just because tension exists between our different desires doesn't mean we have to choose at the end of that continuum. There is always plenty of room in the middle.
Here's why looking at “quitting” from a different angle could become useful. The end of something also inherently means the beginning of something else. So when you decide to end something, what are you beginning? A “no” to something means a “yes” to something else. At least, it does most often.
Sometimes it’s easier to conceptualize in our tangible spaces. Our homes, our closets, and our lives do need constant curation. It’s easy to accumulate clutter without even knowing it. Occasionally, we have to throw out old things to make room for new. The same is true with habits, commitments, and even relationships. And we shouldn't necessarily feel bad about that. The word “quit” actually comes from the Latin word quietus, which has the same origin as quiet or being still. So, quitting can enable space and room for reflection, and perhaps the start of something much better.
There were a few ideas I took away in particular from the podcast that I am still processing:
How we spend our days is how we spend our lives - Annie Dillard (always a good reminder....a la Aristotle...."we are what we repeatedly do")
There is a difference between death bed regrets and pillow bed regrets. Not all our decisions have the same weight. Don't sweat the small stuff.
One common fallacy in our human experience is that we sometimes dream that the grass is greener on the other side. They referred to this basically as Destination Life, which is rooted in the tragic realization that wherever you go is wherever you are. Or, said in a different way - you can't divorce yourself!
They also discussed the concept of Hedonic Adaptation. The idea is that we have a "generic" (and they claimed genetic) baseline of happiness. While this might seem depressing to some, it may serve as a relief to others. I am not sure I agree with the genetic idea here. I both want to believe and have experienced that fulfillment in life is very much a function of designing good healthy and happy habits that stick. However, the notion that we all have an inherent baseline of happiness (genetic or not) that we will often return to is a helpful concept that is worthy of reflection. When we are feeling blue, trust that after some moments of pause your normal sense of self often returns. Or a different take would be to say that things are never as bleak as they seem. Which, fortunately, is often the case.
A few relevant links for you to consider this week.
Here is the podcast I referenced around quitting.
This is a good piece from Fortune around the future of work. Again, we are talking about “office or not office,” rather than trying to create a future of work that is more hybrid. A great example of the binary bias at work. I loved what Gianni Giacomelli who is Chief Innovation Officer at Genpact and is head of design at the MIT Center for Collective Intelligence said about it. "Our sense of smell, our sense of three-dimensional space, it all fires the brain. Oxytocin, in a different way. You have to be intentional about the serendipity of connection. That sounds like a contradiction in terms. You need to have people meeting by mistake in an intelligent way."
Here is an interesting article about the new Chief Chaplain at Harvard University. Religious leaders on campus elected him as their new leader where he will coordinate activities on campus from all faiths. What's remarkable is that he is an atheist and has written a book called "Good without God." I think this is an inspiring example where we can resist the binary choice of being religious or not religious, and rather find room in the middle and enjoy the many activities in our various religions that are good habits such as communing, breaking bread together, enjoying music and stillness, sharing dreams and visions, etc.
I am quitting now. And by that, I mean writing THIS piece. Have a terrific week!
