The Dignity of Difference
Click on the image above to play the video (flip your phone to widescreen if you want image to be bigger)
The Dignity of Difference
Thank you so much for the many wonderful comments on last week's post on where our Human Energy can be found. Clearly, a very important topic that will be a common thread running through these posts frequently.
This week, I spent a lot of time reflecting on the reason why I started writing this newsletter in the first place. I am afraid that we have lost, or are about to lose, our ability to have any public (or private, for that matter) conversation about meaningful differences without them leading to divisive, mean-spirited, uncivil, and ultimately dehumanizing outcomes. I am, as I am sure many of you are, quite concerned about this.
So much of our public discourse seems to be about grievances people have with what someone else has said. I often try to visit whatever caused such a strong reaction, and when I do, I rarely find it that upsetting. Is it me? Am I more tolerant? Or am I ignorant and do not understand the seriousness of someone else's claims?
We seem to have developed a zero-tolerance for difference. If someone has a differing point of view, many jump immediately to the conclusion that this person is fundamentally different than them and wants something completely different from what we want. Therefore, they must be ignored, at best, or humiliated to defeat, at worst. To me, there are two really dangerous consequences of this complete loss of tolerance of diversity in our public exchange.
The first is that we know that dissent plays a crucial role in scientific progress. In fact, in any kind of progress. Trees that grow in strong winds develop tougher roots. Muscles grow stronger during times under tension. There is no spark without friction. The sayings are many.
A good and productive conversation is supposed to welcome and enable dissent and dialogue that fosters a better understanding of varying perspectives. The role of the "host" is not to judge, evaluate, or argue for any one side. The media was supposed to play this role for all of us, but most large platforms have either already gone deep into one of the "sides" or are corrupted by algorithms that profit from extremism and mindless clicking.
We see daily examples of one side feeling injured by what someone else said and that entire "side" is calling for boycotting, silencing, or censoring. So, where do we draw the line when people join calls to silence or abandon entire platforms because they disagree with what someone has said? By quieting dissent, I am afraid we will all lose. None of us have all the answers. Human progress and flourishing is not like a tug of war where you win or lose. It’s much more like an exchange where we learn small incremental lessons from ALL experiences we have. We simply can't silence what we conceive are ideas we disagree with. First, we will miss the lessons and insights imbedded within them and second, they will show up elsewhere. Perhaps amplified and boosted from the rejection. And we just have increased the distance between us.
The second, and perhaps more tragic consequence here, is that we are dehumanizing the lived experience. The extreme intolerance for a different opinion is gradually eroding relationships and trust between human beings, even families, and I fear we are already paying the price as we see a rise of mental health problems, loneliness, suicides, and, of course, the dysfunction of our democracy. Nothing can get done when there is a complete breakdown of trust. Trust is the ultimate human interface needed for cooperation, collaboration, and innovation.
I have referenced the late and great Rabbi Jonathan Sacks here many times. I learned so much from his books and his example. It is from his book The Dignity of Difference that I borrowed the title of this post. In that book, he wrote:
“A primordial instinct going back to humanity's tribal past makes us see difference as a threat. That instinct is massively dysfunctional in an age in which our several destinies are interlinked. Oddly enough, it is the market -- the least overtly spiritual of concepts -- that delivers a profoundly spiritual message: that it is through exchange that difference becomes a blessing, not a curse. When difference leads to war, both sides lose. When it leads to mutual enrichment, both sides gain.”
I know that our bridges in our country are falling apart, and appreciate that we need investment in infrastructure for repairing the old and building new physical connections between people, cities, and states. However, we also need to invest in our collective capacity to build opinion bridges between our different points of view. Otherwise, the current division and polarization risk tearing apart the very fabric that made America both possible, hopeful, and successful. I think this might be our most important project in the years to come.
Here are some ideas and attitudes I am trying to adopt that have helped me a bit. Please share yours if you have found something useful.
I only selectively watch traditional media. Like news. And if I ever do I make sure to watch "both sides" (like MSNBC and FOX). I prefer documentaries that go deeper on particular topics and can help me fill gaps in my own understanding needed for a more complete picture.
Same with papers. I personally scan both European news, US news, and mainly focus on reading a diverse selection of opinion columnists from both sides. And to be clear, I rarely agree completely with anyone. Not even myself!
Instead of "traditional media," I subscribe to a curated, diverse selection of podcasts and newsletters. I think Bari Weiss and Andrew Sullivan do a good job. But there are many others. They are on Substack, and you have to buy an annual subscription. But they are worth it. And I pay for it by canceling some traditional media!! Sam Harris’ podcast Making Sense is great, and so is his meditative app Waking up. OnBeing with Krista Tippett also hosts beautiful diverse conversations that pull me closer, not farther, from opinions I don't necessarily share. Tyler Cowen also is prolific, and while I can never keep up with most of his newsletters, he adds tremendous value with broad and deep insights.
I am proud to be a founding partner of Daniel Lubetzky's Starts with Us. I have referenced it several times before. Please sign up and join our movement for a better conversation and, ultimately, a better version of ourselves. It does start with us. Also, please sign this pledge. It's simple and powerful.
I also would point to the terrific organization Resetting the Table which is helping to facilitate conversations that bring people together. You can learn more about them here. Great video if you have time about what and how they do what they do here.
These cards called Actually Curious are playful and helpful. Michael Tennant is thoughtful around empathy and how to foster better conversations. Buy a set and use them for your next dinner or meeting.
But perhaps most importantly. Take deep breaths through your nose. Notice when you get "worked up" by someone else's opinion and ask yourself: Just because he or she has a different perspective than me doesn't mean I need to dislike and certainly not hate anyone. Try to understand it instead. Get informed. Not infirmed.
Lastly, I recommend you watch this interview with Frank Luntz. I got to know Frank many years ago when he helped me understand focus groups and how to better read the sentiment of (in my case) consumers (not voters). Through experience, and ultimately a stroke, Frank is now talking very honestly and vulnerably about what he has learned and how much he fears the complete lack of decency in our public conversation.
So, here we are. It's a dangerous and difficult situation. But most often when I face difficult challenges I try to look within for answers. Do I have space in my heart to welcome different opinions? Yes, I do. Have I experienced the discomfort of a challenging disagreement only to realize afterward that I learned something invaluable that forever changed my perspective? Yes, I have. Many times. In fact, this is why we say: No pain. No gain.
I will end with a lesson I learned from Benjamin Zander whenever I faced a very challenging idea from someone. Just say out loud. That is a fascinating idea. Tell me more. At least it has saved me a few times when I was about to get into defensive overdrive! Still working on it so please call me out if you experience me being intolerant!
Have a great week!
