Responsibility Reversal
Responsibility Reversal
Why do most conversations about responsibility involve other people’s responsibility rather than our own? It seems to me that responsibility is often something most people want others to have more of.
This is something that has been a source of frustration for me for a very long time. I have written about it many times before and I am sure I will continue to dance with this phenomenon in future posts, as well. Taking responsibility for our actions and their consequences is such a fundamental part of human connection and yet it’s something we don’t often get right.
Why are we so obsessed with pointing fingers? Does it make us feel better?
Well, it turns out it doesn't. At least, not in the long haul. It's a bit like peeing your pants in the wintertime. It warms you up instantly, but you will soon start freezing.
By locating responsibility outside of yourself, you are actually degrading, demoting, and debilitating your own self-worth. It ultimately reduces your self-confidence and sense of agency. I’ll explain.
It was the late Rabbi Jonathan Sacks who helped me see the self-destructive and, therefore, counterproductive nature of blame. This is one of my all-time favorite Sacks quotes (which is why I used it here and here).
“Our hopes are invested in governments, from which we demand more and in our more somber moments anticipate less. At the core of our culture is an echoing discrepancy between what we believe and what we know. We believe that we are faced with unprecedented choices. We know that too much of what happens to us is beyond our control, the result of economic choices or political decisions taken far away by people we will never meet nor be able to identify. Beyond the narrowing circle of the self lies a world in which we are not the makers but the made. This is the genesis of despair.”
Wow. It's one of those quotes that has kept reverberating in my soul for nearly three decades. And, to me, it is worth repeating many times...."beyond the narrowing circle of the self lies a world in which we are not the makers but the made"....
Just because something isn't your fault doesn't mean it is not your problem. My original reason for writing these newsletters is that I wanted to contribute to a better conversation. To invite more voices, raise the ceiling above our heads, and add tolerance, debate, and constructive dialogue to our conversations. I believe, quite passionately, that the problems we are facing are small compared to our inability to talk about them. Everything has become political and as of late, also personal. We are stuck in something of a pie-throwing contest. And I don't know about you, but I neither enjoy throwing nor being hit by the pies. I'd rather eat them!
The notion that it is OTHER PEOPLE that can change our world is also manifestly wrong. Every single person can affect our discourse in meaningful ways. It takes a village. We get the media we consume so I have stopped consuming most media. I don't listen to either side. Their bantering and one-sidedness is deafening to me. It doesn't bring me either joy or inspiration or information that I find useful. And I certainly don't feel elevated by blame, hate, and sensationalism. If more people stopped consuming their media, we might create room for our media.
A friend of mine always told me that when the future feels like headwinds, you are walking in the wrong direction. It truly is time to turn around. And we are the people that can do it.
As I was thinking about this, I got a tweet from Daniel Lubetzky, who I mentioned in last week's post (and who recently launched an ambitious project called Starts with Us.) It's so relevant to the topic of responsibility and what we can do about it. Daniel wrote a piece in Newsweek that I’ll link to below. Here is a quote from that article:
He is so right, of course. We have reached what I often refer to as the “Jerry Garcia moment” in life when you realize that “somebody has to do something and it is just incredibly pathetic that it has to be us."
I believe that this is the real infrastructure project we need. We need bridges between people more than between roads. We need to help bridge gaps in understanding, respect, and beliefs.
Remember the quote from Eisenhower that "farming looks mighty easy when your plow is a pencil, and you're a thousand miles from the corn field." It's a good reminder. Before we issue so much judgment and opinions, let's make sure we walk in other people's shoes more often. Let's help each other assume more innocence and direct more of the responsibility we seek from others to ourselves.
Please join me in the responsibility revolution. I am able to respond, therefore I am response-able.
Here is the Newsweek article by Daniel Lubetzky and here is again the link to Starts with Us. Please join. And look at this summary of their research, which is so illuminating and points clearly to what the problem is. And it is us.
I know that so many of you are gearing up for the holiday break. I wish for all of you happy holidays and hope that you will spend time with your loved ones. It's been quite a year and I will try to reflect in the coming weeks over what we leave behind and hopefully what we can look forward to in the year ahead. I do love the winter break. I see it as a season of new beginnings where we can turn our page and look ahead. Together, we can make 2022 the year things really began to change. For the better.
Ending with two pieces of housekeeping. For those that haven't filled out the survey, here is your last chance. I really appreciate all the feedback. It means the world to me. Second, I added a "forward to friend" button below in hopes that you can forward this email to your friends. The only way to change our conversation is for more to join the movement! Thank you.
Have a great week!
