Radical Acceptance
Friends!
I am still mulling over the power of words from last week. Mainly because so many of you sent me your favorite poems which helped me to see the message I shared in new and invigorating ways. Words are key components in understanding ourselves and the world around us. Alicia Bassuk shared this beautiful poem by her husband Michael Tyler and my good friend Dov Seidman shared with me a Ludwig Wittgenstein quote that says it better than just about anything:
The limits of my language stand for the limits of my world.
The limits of my language are the limits of my mind.
All I know is what I have words for.
But this week, I want to address perhaps one of the hardest things in life. To accept what we don't want to accept. Acceptance of what is might be the very essence of a happier life. A life with less resistance and anxiety towards the many conditions, big and small, that make up the inexorable state of human existence. We spend so many of our waking hours in fear of death, even though we all know it is inevitable and thereby inextricable from life itself. It should be easy to accept, but it’s not. Yes – acceptance. Most of us struggle so much with that notion. They say that what you resist, persists. I think that's a good reminder. It's easy to let the things we cannot do get in the ways of all the things we can do. And we don't get a lot of help from our environment. There are few opportunities to step outside of this fearful mindset. Consider the news, social media, or any other source of this endless surround sound of negativity. You’ll start to realize that most of the noise concerns matters that are out of our control. It's not helpful to happiness nor is it a compelling call to action!
I was reminded of the idea of radical acceptance when listening to a podcast with Peter Attia and Steve Levitt. Steve is a professor of Economics at the University of Chicago and the co-author of Freakonomics. In this interview (which I highly recommend), they discuss why we humans are bad at decision making and why in particular we struggle so much with accepting everything – whether its silly things or, of course, the many difficult challenges that are inevitable in the course of our lifetime.
Mental illness is on the rise. COVID certainly has revealed and amplified how many people truly suffer from varying degrees of depression, suicidal thoughts, and just sheer unhappiness. I think it is increasingly clear that our education system and our collective narrative for what determines and constitutes a happy life must be augmented with new dimensions. We have placed too much value on our quantitative measures of “success” by focusing on direct physical attributes (such as fame, fortune, muscles, size, etc.) while undervaluing qualitative measures, which are often more indirect immaterial attributes of a life well-lived (inner being, tranquility, joy, microbiome, breathing, attitude, etc.) All of the metrics that drive society forward tend to be flows of "hard" goods. We need to create space for soft matters, too. This is changing, and I hope it will continue to evolve in a way that helps more people to sustain personal happiness and professional fulfillment.
I must confess, I struggle with radical acceptance. I find it really hard. But, at least I buy into the healthfulness of its theory. Whenever I manage to "ignore" something I cannot affect or control, I certainly feel better. I have also gotten better when it comes to things that affect me directly, rather than matters of the world at large. I’ve learned to stay sane and stay more present in several ways over the years. Learning how to meditate, having friends that make me laugh, celebrating the joy that comes from a family that makes me proud, and losing myself in the world of music are all great forces in my life that help me stay grounded within the lines of my gratitude lane, even when I veer close to the edge. In addition, years of great therapy and thousands of books, podcasts, talks, and beautiful conversations have helped expand my circle of acceptance. However, I do struggle more when I think about the troubles of our world at large. Bearing witness to the politicization of health, education, race, and economics is still difficult and frustrating. Particularly when I find many solutions to be rather obvious and simple. Collective change doesn’t have to be quite as hard as we are making it out to be. But being frustrated won't help make change happen any faster, so I am working on just accepting life as it is all around me. It's a work in progress, and I am far from mastery!
There are some things in life that feel impossible to accept. There are and will continue to be tragedies in our world that we must grin and bear. Acceptance of loss is incredibly difficult to navigate. It’s something I’ve struggled with myself, having lost my own sister when she was 16. Accepting the pain of others can also be agonizing. I’ve shared proximity to those close to me who carry with them unexpected and undeserved pain, especially the loss of a child. Unfairness is so hard to accept. But amidst so much turmoil, I have also witnessed the most beautiful forms of acceptance, where people have redirected their anger and grief towards helping others find ways of coping with similar experiences.
A well-known book on the subject of "acceptance" is Rabbi Harold Kushner's book When Bad Things Happen to Good People. He wrote that book after losing his son. I always found his reasoning around this difficult territory very helpful. Here are a few paragraphs around acceptance, forgiveness, and love that I find encouraging.
“In the final analysis, the question of why bad things happen to good people translates itself into some very different questions, no longer asking why something happened, but asking how we will respond, what we intend to do now that it has happened.
Are you capable of forgiving and accepting in love a world which has disappointed you by not being perfect, a world in which there is so much unfairness and cruelty, disease and crime, earthquake and accident? Can you forgive its imperfections and love it because it is capable of containing great beauty and goodness, and because it is the only world we have?
Are you capable of forgiving and loving the people around you, even if they have hurt you and let you down by not being perfect? Can you forgive them and love them, because there aren’t any perfect people around, and because the penalty for not being able to love imperfect people is condemning oneself to loneliness?”
— HAROLD S. KUSHNER, WHEN BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Here are some articles that inspired this post as well as other relevant topics for elevating our conversation.
Here are some articles that inspired this post, as well as other relevant topics for elevating our conversation:
Here is the podcast interview by Peter Attia with Professor Steve Levitt which inspired me to reflect more on "radical acceptance"
Listen to Sadhguru's short talk where he presents us with a unique challenge: spend 24 hours accepting everything. His promise? Life will then happen on a larger scale!
Loved this 2018 funny and honest talk by Emily Levine, who left us a year later (which she talks about!) She discusses "being friends with reality" –another way of thinking about radical acceptance.
Here is a good Fortune piece around the problem with socialism vs capitalism debate. The very essence of this newsletter rejects "orthodoxies or absolutisms," and it helps to reframe how to think about this pervasive false choice.
To those who I have occasionally disappointed, I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me. Please help me accept all the things I cannot control. I do need and very much appreciate your help and support. I think our world would be better if we showed more acceptance towards the way things are. After all, there is so much to appreciate all around.
With love and gratitude,
