On Fathers

A picture that says so much. My father Palle and I serving Big Macs for Fourth of July at Grythyttan in the 1970s Sweden. I learned to walk in my father's footsteps early, often, and happily!

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On Fathers!

Today is Father’s Day in many places, including the US, UK, India. In fact, most countries have a Father’s Day, but it varies. In Sweden, Father’s Day this year falls on November 13th. 

Being a father is, without comparison, the most honorable, important, and challenging role I can imagine in this life (I am not comparing it to being a mother. After all, I wasn’t exactly eligible). Experiencing fatherhood from my current lens as a son, as a father, and as a grandfather is particularly rich and beautiful. I see contexts, contours, and complexities I previously didn’t appreciate.

In my case, I am the fortunate son. In so many ways. First off, being born a Swedish man in one of the most peaceful, civilized, and beautiful countries in the world is lucky. But perhaps in a way far more existential and personal to me, I won the ovarian lottery in unimaginable ways. My parents both carried the Cystic Fibrosis gene, unbeknownst to them, and sadly, my sister was born with CF. When we lost her at age 16, she left behind an incredible and eternal amount of pain, sorrow, and also accompanying questions of reason, guilt, and existential ponderings. As for me, I was born neither with the disease nor the gene. That is just lucky. 

I say to myself, and to people asking, that my life is forever changed after enduring this experience growing up. Our lives are poorer and emptier without Erica. But it is also richer. In so many ways. Painful passages force us to confront the most significant of questions. Why am I here? What is it that I want my life to stand for? 

But back to fathers. My father, Paul (or “Palle”, as we prefer to call him) is a prototypical entrepreneur in its etymological meaning which is "to take control". My father never accepts what is. He dreams about what can be. And he is never afraid of doing what it takes to lead himself and others to a new destination. And despite the devastating genetic circumstance surrounding their desire to have children, my father convinced my mother to have one more child, despite the risks involved. To that gutsy, bold, optimistic, and incomprehensible decision, I owe my life. 

My father with his two oldest granddaughters and 2 of his 8 great-grandchildren a few weeks ago in Sweden. VERY SPECIAL!

Generational relationships are beyond complicated, of course. There is an explosive cocktail of genetic, environmental, and experiential dynamics that make it difficult to live and impossible to fully understand. All we can do is to do our best.

In my case, my father always has the highest of expectations. Always of himself and often of others. And as a father myself, I often reflect on the role of expectations in general and expectations of our children in particular. That too is a dense subject with only theories and no "settled science".

With the help of many books and years of reflection, here is where I have landed on this particular topic.

All humans benefit from expectations. They literally lift us up. They tell us that we can do better. They inspire us to try harder. Sadly, and far too frequently, we have developed some form of cultural "resistance" towards expectations. As if that is somehow not part of freedom, liberty, and true happiness. As a whole, we celebrate the type of "unconditional" love that perhaps is more associated with mothers than fathers (certainly both mothers and fathers often display both conditional and unconditional love).

Finding the right balance when having expectations is of course both important and tricky. But we shouldn’t be so concerned about setting our expectations too high. Remember Michelangelo who reminded us that “the greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, it is that it is too low and we reach it”.

When setting expectations, of yourself or of others, I think there are at least 3 guidelines to consider.

First, you shouldn't have expectations of anyone that you are not willing to live up to yourself.

Second, your expectations MUST be rooted in true love. A love defined by your desire to see this person grow and thrive. Not to satisfy your expectations!

And lastly, you need to always be there. To offer support, guidance, and help when obstacles show up in the journey of life. As they always do.

I believe all fathers do the best they can. I know I certainly do. Is it enough?

That's impossible, at least for me, to answer. The best I can hope for is that all my children know that I love them, I am here for them, and that I am open to feedback

I feel beyond grateful for my father and I want to salute him and honor him fully on this day.

While I am at it, here's to Ralph, Jessica's father, as well. Without Jessica, I would not be able to call myself a father. And of course, NONE of all this would have been possible without our mothers. More on that some other time.

Lastly, as we collectively celebrate our fathers, perhaps we can take this time to ELEVATE our expectations of our future selves. Few are happy with what the world is going through today. The only way to improve it is to set higher expectations for all of us. Raising the bar on what we expect from our future would be the best way I can imagine to honor the notion of fatherly love.

So Happy Father's Day to the world. And to my father, I love you. And I thank you!