Disagreement vs Disgust
Friends,
This past week, there were two overriding sentiments and ideas running through my soul.
The first was a sense of gratitude while mourning the loss of Rabbi Jonathan Sacks. I attended one memorial service and also spent time swimming in some of his incredible insights. Here is just one of the many things he has written that I keep coming back to:
“Without shared moral discourse, the public square is reduced to a quasi-economic exchange: the provision of services in return for taxes. That is too fragile a basis on which to build a viable nation, let alone a gracious world. It leaves it entirely open to question, for example, why people who feel they are not getting a fair deal should abide by the political process at all. Why not simply reject society if you feel that it is rejecting you?”
— JONATHAN SACKS IN TO HEAL A FRACTURED WORLD
The second was a conversation much of the country is involved in and some of you, based on last week's blog, sent me questions around: how do we heal a divided nation?
Is it even possible? Some of you even question whether it is the right goal?
I believe, quite passionately, that we need healing more than anything. First, we need to heal from this pandemic. Find a way through it – quickly. Parallel to pandemic healing, we also need political healing. NOT at all that we have to agree on everything – that is neither possible nor desirable. But we have to find a way to stop politicizing, polarizing, and poisoning our public conversations and personal relationships.
I had a beautiful exchange with some friends this week about the election results. In response to a fairly "one-sided" article, Irwin Kula wrote a beautiful and well-balanced response that I believe is instructive for the kind of perspective our public conversation needs. I asked him if I could share some of what he wrote, and he graciously allowed me to do so:
A deregulated culture with no virtues and a deregulated economy with no moral sentiments (thanks Adam Smith) winds up actually turning on itself and so on the cultural side we have cancel culture that limits freedom and on the economic side, we have hoarding and concentration of power that has led to less innovation in the past few years than any time in the past few decades.
We won’t do it by going back to some mythic past. This isn’t a restoration game. It is an emergent drama requiring the unprecedented millions who voted in this election to co-create the next iteration of culture and markets —-in our homes and businesses, in our neighborhoods and offices, in kitchens and boardrooms, in the halls of Congress and on social media, in how we speak to each other and listen to each other, in the ways we earn and spend our money, in how we get up in the morning, walk in the world during the day, and go to bed at night. Either we will individually and collectively reimagine an ethics of liberalism, re-moralize capitalism, and create a robustly pluralist culture - a generational challenge - or the next Trump - a few cycles from now - won't be an incompetent, pathological, narcissistic, algorithmic generated form of entertainment but someone far more capable, disciplined, intelligent and dangerous.
You can read more about his work here.
I know it feels distant, at best, to believe that we have anything to do with this mess. But, we do. Our society inherits the media, the politics, and the conversations that we foster. It's on all of us. As in any relationship, it takes two to tango. Gandhi taught us a long time ago to "be the change you seek in others." So, if you want to change anything, it always starts with ourselves.
If you don't believe me, you can listen to this conversation with Esther Perel. She is a psychotherapist well-known for her work on relationships. In this podcast, she talks to Kara Swisher, and she compares where we find ourselves right now to a bad marriage. She talks about "a nation no longer in disagreement, but in disgust" (attributed to Anand Giridharadas). She talks about the need for "reframing" our conversation, so we can get unstuck. I always find Esther to provide inspiring and funny insight, while also, unlike many, putting in perspective the mutuality of any relationship. It's NEVER about just one side. I included this conversation in the links below.
I will leave you with this thought: let's make politics smaller. Let's stop subscribing to the idea that the only thing that matters is who is in the White House or who controls Congress. It’s not that they don’t matter, but what happens in our parks, in our schools, at the grocery store, in our businesses, and in our families matter even more. Like all journeys, they begin with a single step. If we all did our part and engaged with smaller tasks like bridging gaps, being kind, solving local problems, seeking what is good, and choosing love over fear, we will eventually see better media, better politics, and a brighter future. I have no doubt.
I will end how I started with words from Rabbi Jonathan Sacks that have perhaps, more than just about anything, influenced my own thinking about responsibility. Why investing your hopes outside of yourself is foolish, counter-productive, and will only lead to despair? I have quoted them before in this newsletter and likely will do so again.
“Our hopes are invested in governments, from which we demand more and in our more somber moments anticipate less. At the core of our culture is an echoing discrepancy between what we believe and what we know. We believe that we are faced with unprecedented choices. We know that too much of what happens to us is beyond our control, the result of economic choices or political decisions taken far away by people we will never meet nor be able to identify. Beyond the narrowing circle of the self lies a world in which we are not the makers but the made. This is the genesis of despair.”
— JONATHAN SACKS IN POLITICS OF HOPE
A few things that inspired me this week:
Starting with humor AND love. Perhaps the best two emotions we have. Bill Maher is hoping that Blake and Gwen get married and prove that love is stronger, and more important, than political views!
Here is the full podcast with Esther Perel and Kara Swisher
Here is a 2010 conversation between Rabbi Sacks and Krista Tippett. It’s a beautiful reminder of the importance of a better conversation. Here is another wonderful example of a great conversation between David Brooks and Rabbi Sacks at 92nd Street Y from 2017. I will stop there but as you can see, there is plenty of wonderful conversations to be inspired by. Much better sources of inspiration than the news!
Here is a good short-ish podcast with Brene Brown on strong backs, soft fronts, and wild hearts. About how "strength" often is something we wear when we are afraid, but that vulnerability and openness is the key to a happier and richer life.
Loved this newsletter from Angela Duckworth and the Character Lab. Life is NOT a popularity contest. Neither is teaching or leadership. Our time frame is what distorts this a bit – it gives us emotional distance. I agree with Angela. The people I have learned the most from, in retrospect, I probably "liked" the least when the lessons were given!
I was moved by this short story on "The Human Experience Will Not Be Quantified". We are drowning in data but searching for wisdom. Data can be like a head fake. It often gives us a false sense of security. Be skeptical of data. Be critical. Make sure you use data as ONE input of many.
