Being Right or Being Together?
Friends!
I hope you read, marinated, and reflected on the incredible wisdom of the 99 pieces of unsolicited advice from Kevin Kelly in last week's blog. I'm thinking of creating a framed version in my bathroom or somewhere I visit frequently. Being surrounded by and constantly reminded of what I know to be true is helpful for cultivating inner tranquility and peace.
This week, a podcast, a book, and a life event triggered reflections about something that we also need to be reminded of more often: being together is more important than being right. Let me dig in a bit.
First, our youngest daughter Rosanna and her husband Johnny welcomed their first child, Lydia, to our world this week. It was particularly meaningful given the year we all have been through. A much-needed reminder of what matters most. Holding a newborn baby connects us to our own humanity in a way few other experiences do. Mystic, spiritual, and emotional feelings all race around in your soul. You instantly become connected to your lineage and your real place in the world in a powerful way, while at the same time you feel the hope and optimism for the future. Roots and wings. There is so much runway ahead, which we know, like any human journey, will be filled with all that life has to offer. Both tears and joy, pain and gain, and the beautiful curvilinearity of progress.
Then, in the midst of just being grateful and happy, via a podcast, I was introduced to the journalist Anna Sale (all linked below). She has written a book about having difficult conversations, born out of the podcast she created and hosts called: Death, Sex, and Money from WNYC studios. Needless to say, the importance of getting better at having difficult and more decent and productive public conversations is very much at the heart of why I am writing these newsletters, so I found her work to be a true gift.
Here is what Anna Sales says in that podcast:
“When you’re in a hard conversation, you’ve got to make the choice, like, what is the primary objective right now for me? Do I want to come away from this conversation with the relationship being tended to? Or is it more important that I feel heard and my objective is not to make sure what I’m saying is palatable or something that the person I’m talking to is going to accept?
Hasan Minhaj, the comedian, used the line when I interviewed him on the show. He talked about his dad telling him as a kid, do you want to be right or do you want to be together?
That’s something you can think about when you’re in a hard conversation. Is it about being right? And sometimes it is. Or is it about being together? And that takes some concessions and silences maybe, even sometimes not letting on where you disagree or think that what the person is saying is not true. But it depends on the circumstance whether you want to be right or together.”
— ANNA SALES IN EZRA KLEIN PODCAST (LINKED BELOW)
At its essence, I found this message to be so relevant and important to our current reality. Yes, there are many problems we need to address. For sure. They make me crazy, too. Particularly when some of them are relatively obvious, but where we apparently rather prefer to die than to talk about them! Like the fact that we have almost had no discussion around our food problems in this country during this pandemic. Covid-19 has brutally highlighted the enormous severity and consequences of poor underlying population health.
But again, do I want to be right, or do I want to be together?
I think that our bigger problem, almost regardless of the issue, is that we are NOT together. COVID, social media, and a cultural division have widened the distances between us (literally and figuratively), and we are sadly coming apart. We are all contributing to this divide and the point here is to reflect on when we might be better off working on coming together vs promoting our version of the truth. I am certainly guilty of being very quick to have a rather firm opinion. I hope that the way I conduct myself hasn't (or isn't) contributing to any division, but unfortunately, I recognize that it might have. I will work on that for sure!
Let me also state the obvious. There are situations when it is more important to be right than together. There are principles worth fighting for. Like the right for people to express their own opinion. But the point here is that we also have to recognize there is a price for everything and I believe, as a society at large, we might have overdosed on believing and underdosed on belonging. With possibly tragic consequences for us all.
Let's course correct. Let's pause. Let's reflect on the value of being together. And please listen to the podcast below. Anna Sale has a beautiful way of asking open-ended questions that help to hold a different kind of space for really important conversations that also weave a stronger and closer connection between the subject, the subjects, and their shared humanity.
A few links and stuff to read and engage with this week:
Ezra Klein Podcast with Anna Sale (mentioned above) about having difficult conversations
More on Anna Sale and her book and work, including a recent post by Courtney Martin about Anna's work here
Haven't posted much COVID stuff lately but found Bari Weiss post on how to think about COVID now useful and well-balanced
In the interest of full disclosure, I am posting this article around misinformation and that we are prone to believe anything if it comes from our tribe. I guess it means that finding the proper harmony between being right and being together is the balancing act we must seek.
Last but not least. VERY proud and inspired by my partner and friend Tony Tjan for this beautiful episode of Meditative Story where he reflects on growing up in the cold and dramatic landscape of Newfoundland recalling a childhood with both abundance and adaptation.
As you all well know, I don't like binary choices. The very foundation of this newsletter is built out of a desire to avoid them and to literally ladder up to see things with an elevated perspective. Our public discourse is mired in binary choices where complicated circumstances are simplified by narrow labels where we are forced to make false choices. It's not helpful. None of us are truly one or the other. We are always a mix of many perspectives and belongings. And our mix depends on circumstance, life stages, and what else is going on in our lives at the time.
However, sometimes, it is useful to experiment around the proverbial"…if you put a gun to my head and I had to make a choice" question. In this case, if I had to make choice at this current moment around being right or being together I know what I would choose.
I choose TOGETHER!
Have a great week!
