Are You Open for Feedback?

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Are you open to feedback?

This week, I am thinking about whether I am sufficiently open-minded. I think I am? But at the same time, I also recognize that I am not. At least not, always. As with most things in life, open-mindedness is complicated, nuanced, and cannot be assessed with a binary mindset. I could, for instance, be very open-minded around one set of topics while being very close-minded on others.

We live in a world with very fixed positions. They seem rigid, frozen, and completely immovable. And most of our public conversation seems to be about intimidating, embarrassing and shaming the other side. And the point of this destructive game is to score points and, sadly, not to learn something new. Is this because we are so invested in our own positions or so afraid of the unknown? Or both?

The only way to loosen up and to turn the tide of this extreme polarization and dangerous dehumanization is for ALL of us to be more open-minded. To embrace ambivalence; to accept the uncomfortable reality of having two opposing thoughts reverberating in your soul simultaneously. Only if there is some form of ambivalence or at least open-mindedness, can we explore the other side, come closer to it, feel it, see it, and touch it. In doing so, most of the time, we will learn something in the process and we will strengthen the collective fabric in our society. It’s a type of ideological mindfulness we can all practice and hone. In mindfulness, you acknowledge your thoughts without attributing value or judgment to them. We can do the same with ideas.

Narrow-mindedness is such an unwelcoming attitude. When the mind is closed, we all lose. Closed, by the way, I don't even like the word. A company that is closed isn’t open for business. The same is true for humans. And I often remind myself that our brains are like parachutes, they work best when they are open.

One of our daughters, Alex, has always had a keen interest in the area of human development. After graduate work in psychology, she works in the field of talent development and is also a certified coach. She has brought a good habit into our family. She often asks: “Are you open to feedback?”

It’s a good way to help others prepare for “incoming discomfort”. I am about to tell you something that you MIGHT not like to hear. I have found that this simple question prepares me better for what is coming. I get less defensive. I lower my guard and open my aperture. I may even listen more closely to what is coming. And in doing, so I might actually learn something that can help me alter, tweak, or change a pre-existing set of beliefs that needed adjustment.

Consider our computers. You get updates constantly. How would our software run without updates? These updates are critical. All software communicates with other software, and since bugs are found everywhere all the time, kinks need to be removed and upgrades need to be installed. The same is true with our human operating system. How often do we update our own beliefs? Have we turned on automatic updates or are we running an old system in a new world? I fear this is exactly our problem.

Another tool in our toolkit, one I have mentioned before, is what I learned from the late and great psychologist and mediator, Marshall Rosenberg. He invented an entire language for listening without holding judgment. He called it the “Giraffe Language,” which is the kind of compassionate communication we so desperately need these days. One of the techniques I learned, and one that I have sometimes used both with children and adults while arguing, is called "turning the tables".

It goes like this: if you struggle to understand or agree with someone in a moment of conflict, try to flip the script and present their point of view in a way they agree with. It can be eye-opening. Most times, you will find that when you try to present someone else’s idea, you realize that you actually don't fully understand them at all.

They will be happy to correct you and keep trying until you get it right. In the process, you will come to understand the nuance and difference between what you THOUGHT they were arguing and what they actually were trying to say. Then, it is their turn to do the same. What experience has shown (both mine and others through thousands of experiments) is that once people fully understand each other, the distance between solutions shrinks, and common ground is easier to be found. The word COMMUNICATE has the same root as COMMON, and it truly means "coming together".

You can even try this concept in a less intimidating fashion. For instance, try in your own mind to give a short talk on just about any topic with the objective of explaining in detail how something works. Like how the sun works, how electricity is produced, how the Fed sets interest rates, or how we elect government officials. Most of us will soon realize that we don't understand as much as we thought about just about anything. The objective is, of course, not to make us lose confidence and feel bad. On the contrary, it is to inspire us to be more humble. To realize and appreciate that the world is a miracle and we are so lucky to be in it. It is our job to make sense of it and to contribute to making it better, and we can only do so with a starting point of humility and wonder.

I am terribly concerned about the state of our democracy. Particularly, our inability to talk to each other. We can identify many different contributions to the deterioration of our public discourse. From the concentration of technology platforms, the business models of algorithms profiting from negative attention to just the sheer acceleration of the pace of technological change. However, I am, as usual, interested less in what others can do to change, but rather what I can do to change. What media habits, what commitments, and what investments am I willing to make to contribute to a better conversational climate and, ultimately, to a more flourishing democracy.

As Margaret Mead so powerfully reminded us:

“Never underestimate the power of a small group of committed people to change the world. In fact, it is the only thing that ever has.”

I mentioned in a prior post that I have joined the great effort started by my friend, Daniel Lubetzky, and his organization called “Starts With Us”. We are trying to inspire better habits for all of us. You can learn and follow the movement here and sign up for their feeds. We will only change the tone and humanity of our public dialogue one conversation at a time. And it indeed starts with us!

Here are a few good stories from the week.

• Loved this story of this 23-year-old woman selflessly saving the lives of kids she didn’t know.

• This is a sobering story on some of the challenges we are facing, but ends with a note of optimism by Derek Thompson in The Atlantic. The notion that there is “too much venting and not enough inventing” in America right now is instructive.

• COVID is still causing confusion. I like this interview with Dr. Lucy McBride. I think she speaks with reason. Doctors MUST frame risks. Fear does harm. All people are not the same.

• Here is a short and good tip from Jerry Seinfeld via Dan Pink around habits. The notion that consistency beats intensity and showing up beats showing off. So true.

• This is a good one from Scott Galloway. I hope he is right. He might well be which is to say that after a pandemic and the kind of crises we have lived through often comes a period of new thinking and progress (think about the roaring 20s after the Spanish flu!). He calls these periods unlocks. But here is the thing. Who has the key to the locks? WE ALL DO!

• Lastly, for those of you looking for extracurricular duties, here is a challenging one. David Brook's latest column. It's a very honest piece that I think many of you can relate to. It lists many of our cultural challenges but ends with a feeling most of us share. "As a columnist, I’m supposed to have some answers. But I just don’t right now. I just know the situation is dire."

Please stay safe, healthy, and humble!