Thoughts on Togetherness

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Thoughts on Togetherness
 
Ok. This week, I promise I will be short...ish. I’m doing so for effect, as what I am bringing up is simultaneously one of the most difficult AND important topics in our human endeavor— the quality of our deep relationships. 

We know from research and experience that the quality of our warm, strong, and long relationships is the most important contributor to both health and happiness. 
 
Let there be no doubt. We don't even have to read or think about it. We all know it, don’t we? When we are the most in love, we are the most happy. 

So, why can creating and maintaining these relationships be so complicated? 

I’ve been particularly hard at work pondering this question for the past few weeks for a few reasons.  First, I spent last week in Sweden swimming around in the depths of the most important relationships in my and Jessica’s lives. Second, today, we are lucky and honored to be witnesses, together with our close friends, in celebrating the union of Jen and Greg. And in Greg's typical fashion of intense curiosity and passion for learning, he asked a few of us a host of questions about how to maintain a successful partnership. That also got me thinking. 

Obviously, looking at the world around us, we can only conclude that togetherness is fraught with complexity and difficulty. Many people are today even struggling with being happy with themselves, let alone another person, or for that matter, their neighbors. 

I have discussed the role of media, in general, and social media, in particular. Clearly, that has not been helpful in generating closeness (by and large). In most cases, it’s been a deterrent. The Pandemic didn’t help much either. Working from home sounds great but might be also contributing to loneliness and separation. But regardless of technologies, there are timeless fundamental principles that can help when trying to build stronger relationships. 

What I shared with Greg after some deeper reflections were three things. They are, like all things in life, easier to say than to live by. But I do think they go a long way to give us the best chance of maintaining deep and loving relationships that in turn are necessary for our own happiness and well-being. 

1. Making the Shift. 
When you commit yourself to another person, you have to make sure that this person is the center of your universe. Not your job. Not your hobbies. Not your own extended family. They are now the orbit around which your life is centered. Give them both the attention and the space they need to grow. My favorite definition of love is from Scott Peck who said this:

“Love is the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth… Love is as love does. Love is an act of will — namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.”

2. Underpromising and overdelivering. 
It's such a critical aspect of any relationship. Greg's father, Eric, calls it "making deposits in the goodwill jar." He is right. Every time you make a promise or a commitment and you deliver against it, it is like a deposit in your stored credit with another human. That's the way you build the deep trust necessary for commitment and intimacy to flourish. And small things matter. When you say, "I'll be home at 6 pm!”, be home at 5:55 pm. Or earlier. 

3. Rule number 6. 
What is that, exactly? (I learned that from Ben Zander.) Don't take yourself so goddamn seriously! Have a sense of humor. When you get angry (and boy, can we get angry at the ones we love!), take a chill pill. Look at the situation with humor and laughter. Step away and take a look at the big picture (yes, I am still working on this one). Remind yourself in these difficult moments: I love you more than I love being right! Humor and perspective are everything. Laugh at our differences. And let's recognize that what we get angry about are truly, most often, really small things. Don't let them pester or fester.
 
I can't wait to witness Jen's and Greg's union today. Celebrating the love and the hopes of new couples starting their journey towards a shared life beats all other festivities. 

I'll end with my favorite "togetherness" poem by Khalil Gibran, which so beautifully captures the essence of true and deep togetherness. 

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.”

Here is to more togetherness. Here is to more love. Here is to Jen and Greg's future happiness. Here is to our parents and close friends who make our lives so rich and whose support is always there. And here is to our kids and grandkids who give our lives meaning and hopefulness. And here is to Jessica, who almost exactly 35 years ago committed so deeply and profoundly to this imperfect and often difficult man, and made him happier, healthier, and more fulfilled than any of my wildest expectations. Thank you. I love you. Hopefully, the best is yet to come! 

With love and gratitude.